Much of our lives are spent with people who show us conditional Love rather than demonstrate non-conditional Love to us. Conditional Love gives us acceptance, affection, or recognition only when we agree to meet other's needs and do what is expected. When we do not do what is expected, acceptance, affection, or praise is not given. This creates Anger and Fear in the relationship and does not allow Love to grow, trust to build, or intimacy to be experienced.
The experience of being accepted is not the same as being loved.
One aspect of non-conditional Love is Allowance.
Allowance is our willingness, without judgment or expectation, for others to choose the way they want to live life. Allowance does not mean Agreement ! When we accept others for who they are and what they choose to do, it does not mean that we agree with their choices. It is saying that we are willing to let them follow their own path, to make their own choices, and to allow them to be responsible for their own life. Expressing Love with conditions attached does not give us the experience of being loved and supported. It does not bring others closer to us.
Conditional Love creates an emotional distance.
One very important way of expressing non-conditional Love is verbal communication. Telling someone how you feel when you feel it, whether it is showing Love, expressing Anger, revealing Fears, or experiencing Sadness, offers a way to be connected.
Non-conditional Love is expressed without Expectations or Obligations. The desire, ability, and willingness to share Love, Anger, Fear, and Sadness is a sign that Love exists in the relationship. Love is also shown by the desire, willingness, and ability to meet each other's needs. Many successful relationships are based on these qualities.
These needs can be for affection, touch, acceptance, information, and, being valued for who we are not just what we do. As these needs are revealed and met, Love, trust, and intimacy grow. Asking others to meet needs just to test their capacities or their commitment to us, is an expression of the Belief: You Don't Love Me...Prove Me Wrong.
Trust is established and demonstrated in a relationship when both people recognize, desire, and are willing, able, and committed to keeping their agreements. As needs change, or new needs arise, both people agree to communicate openly and to create new agreements. Meeting these new needs must come from Love not Fear for the relationship to grow.
Using Anger or Fear to get Love will not give us what we need or want. When others do not meet our needs or keep their agreements, discover whether they are uninterested, unable, or unwilling to do so. Not interested in meeting needs comes from lack of desire. The inability to meet needs comes from Fear. An unwillingness to meet needs comes from Anger.
Revealing Fear allows for the increased awareness of a need for more Love, support, or information. If people are unable to meet our needs, tell them specifically what the needs are and give them Love and guidance. This may assist them in meeting those needs.
If they are aware, able, but unwilling, to meet our needs, then they are Angry. If they are Angry, we can ask them what they want from us that will enable them to be willing to meet our needs. Any relationship where one person is consistently unwilling to meet their own needs, or another's needs, will not provide either person with the Love they both seek.
Anger occurs when our needs are not met or things do not go as we expected. One purpose of expressing Anger is to produce change. Anger, to be effective, needs to be expressed when it is experienced, not stored up for later use or denied. Giving and receiving Love allows for the revealing of Fear and the expressing and releasing of Anger.
Do not Love others more than they Love themselves. We must Love ourself first before we can share Love. We only recognize and receive Love to the degree that we Love ourselves. If we do not Love ourself, we may feel afraid or angry when Love is expressed. We may not know what to do or say in the relationship because we feel we don't deserve this Love and are fear-full of loosing the relationship.We may feel that we have no control in the relationship.
Control, is the Illusion, of having power in a relationship.
Control becomes an issue when conditional Love (acceptance), rather than non-conditional Love, is present in a relationship. In this instance, the person whose needs are getting met first appears to be in control of the relationship.
This feeling of control (power) results from making choices from Anger or Fear, not from Love. For example, fighting over the TV controller is a covert expression of Anger about who's in control in the relationship. We may have control, but we will never be happy or experience non-conditional Love, trust, or intimacy in a relationship with ourself or others.
In contrast, Intimacy is the willingness to be open and honest with ourself and others and being spontaneous with our Love. It is the experience of a Spiritual, Mental, Emotional, and Physical connection with, and Knowingness of, our-Self and others.
Whenever we reveal our Fears and receive and experience Love in return, Intimacy grows. Intimacy is experienced when we allow our Self and others to make choices providing each person with Love and support. Intimacy exists when both people openly and spontaneously express and share all their emotions, Love, Anger, Fear, and Sadness with each other.
Forgiveness is important in any relationship. We, sometimes look back and regret choices that we have made or did not make. We all have made decisions from Anger or Fear that did not turn out as we expected. By realizing this and forgiving our Self and others, we are allowing for new choices to be made. Our new choices can now be made from Love and will produce many new preferred results.
Observation is being conscious of the choices that we make. Observation provides the awareness of why we make choices and what we want now.
Judgment is having the Point Of View that One Choice is "The Right Choice",
and that the Right Choice was not made.
When we think and act as though we were wrong in making that First Right Choice, we then judge ourselves, and others, to become clear about our Beliefs and Preferences.
Making choices from Love enables us to give and receive Love, to express Anger, to reveal Fear, and to experience Sadness and Forgiveness. Choosing Love expands our ability to grow, learn, and interact in life. This expressing and sharing of Love creates trust and allows intimacy to be experienced. Our primary need is for Love. We can allow Love to flow by always telling our truth to ourself and others. Only we know what is best for "us" and therefore we can Trust In Our-Self that we Deserve Love, to be Happy, and to Have It All.
