It is the possibility of having these needs recognized and fulfilled that initially attracts us to each other. The desire, willingness, and ability of each participant to meet his or her own needs and the needs of his or her partner often determine the success of a relationship.

(1) Our first need is for air which provides life.

(2) The second need is for food and water which provides for our physical nurturing and emotional satisfaction.

(3) Next is our need for touch which, when met, signals acceptance and establishes and explores emotional bonding.

(4) When our mental need for information is met, the result is self-confidence.

(5) Our need for money is a commonly agreed upon symbol for physical and emotional independence or control.

(6) When our needs for full Self-expression and choice (independent thinking and action) are not encouraged or permitted, Anger and Fear are the resulting experiences.

(7) Our primary need is for Love in All its forms, beginning with Love of Self.

If our parents were unable, unwilling, or uninterested in meeting our early childhood needs, we may seek out substitute relationships with food, drugs, money, people, work, children, sex, etc. to try and fill these unmet needs. Trying to fill our unmet needs causes us to seek out certain types of relationships in the hope that, one day, some relationship will fill our unmet needs.

These substitutes for Love only provide a temporary emotional relief in our feeling of not having enough Love, and they need to be constantly reinforced in order to be effective at all.

We are seeking a relationship that will finally provide Love, acceptance, support, and happiness. We are seeking our Self as recognized and reflected by others

When our Physical, Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual needs are not met to the degree that we desire in childhood, we have evidence to support the Belief that life will be an effort and struggle and that Love is scarce. We Fear that we might not deserve or may ever find happiness and love.

There is a difference between needing a relationship and wanting to have a relationship. When we feel that we "need" a relationship or do not deserve a relationship, we allow Fear to influence our behavior and the choices that we make.

When we feel that we have much to give and that people just do not understand or appreciate us, Anger becomes the basis for relationships.

In both types of relationships, some underlying beliefs may develop: You don't love me, prove me wrong; If you do love me now, you really don't know me; You'll never stay; or I'm never good enough. We each choose our personal Fears of rejection in relationships. Our Beliefs about life and our ability to make Self-loving choices in relationships are dictated by these Fears.

When Anger and Fear form the emotional basis for a relationship, the focus of the relationship becomes one of control rather than one of experiencing and expressing Love.

(1) Integration expressing and experiencing Love, and

(2) Separation expressing and experiencing Anger and Fear.

When fear and anger influence and determine the choices of behavior in relationships, we are unable to be honest with ourselves and others about our willingness and ability to meet any of the unmet needs that are brought to the relationship. The result is a feeling of Separation and aloneness on the Spiritual, Mental, Emotional, and Physical levels with our Self and our partners.

The beginning of any new relationship is wonderful. There is the hope that this one may be The One. In order not to create any problems, we put our best image (our act) on display and hold our expectations, Anger, and Fear in check. We do this until we have gathered enough evidence that this person Loves us or needs us.

The problem with this behavior is that we are relaying a false impression of what we have to give to the relationship and what we expect in return.

As this first stage passes, we slowly allow our true needs and abilities to become more evident. This change in behavior may cause problems when we may have to make Self-loving choices.

Do we express our Anger and reveal our Fears and face the possible end of the relationship, or do we continue to live in hope that someday things will change and get better ?

The first stage of a Fear based relationship is called Covert Seduction. Fear based relationships depend on denial of one's own needs which creates the impression that this relationship will be different from all past relationships. The Hope, a truth we are unwilling to tell our Self, is that, this time, our needs will finally be met. In the beginning, we deny having personal needs so as not to scare the other person away.

We also do not express Anger to our partner when our needs are not met for Fear of rejection, and because we may feel that our needs are not as important as our partners. We hope that, by loving our partner enough, we can save our partner, or that our partner will realize that they need us and can't live without our help.

The first stage of an Anger based relationship is Overt Seduction, purposely misleading or withholding anger and needs. Overt Seduction comes from unexpressed Anger. As this relationship begins, the Angry person willingly meets their partner's needs while purposely hiding his or her own needs. This gives the appearance of a person who is willing and able to meet another's needs. In reality, what the Angry person really wants is to have their own needs met.

Angry people hide their own needs until they have seduced their partner into trusting them. They do this by meeting their partner's unmet needs first. Only after their partner is hooked do they begin to feel safe enough to reveal their true intention and to have their needs met.

The Angry person never really changes. They will, for a time, stop demanding that others meet their needs. They will even fill their own needs, appearing independent for a short while, as a means of keeping their partner in the relationship. When their partner strays and then returns, they stop meeting that partner's needs again and begin demanding that they be taken care of again, and the cycle repeats itself.

We all attract relationships that mirror our own search for acceptance and Self-Love. We see in others that which we like and dislike about ourselves. To discover True Love, we need to only look inside and allow our Self to choose to recognize, give, and receive Love freely without hesitation, judgment, or expectation to our Self.

We choose a partnership type relationship to express and exchange Love rather than a relationship that needs or seeks Love to make us feel whole and complete. In order to be able to be a partner in a loving relationship, each person must know, be interested, willing, and able to meet their own needs first, and independent of another.

Many times we find that the beginning and early stages of a relationship are very different from the ongoing experience of Being in a relationship. As soon as either person discovers that what they have is not what they expected or wanted, there is an opportunity to tell the truth and ask for what is wanted Now. The earlier in the relationship that the Truth about what they have that differs from what they want is revealed, the easier it is to get clear about what is available. If we are unwilling to ask for what we want, we are just waiting to see When and How it Will End.